If you're not doing anything Monday evening, you should go to the Durham City Council meeting and hear some of the most eloquent defenses of hens ever uttered.

Heck, it might be the only defenses of hens you've ever heard, so come anyway.

Some residents are embroiled in a battle to be able to raise chickens in their backyards.

Opponents fear the smell and noise will cause the quality of life to deteriorate.

Chicken lovers, such as Kavanah Ramsier of SEEDS (South Eastern Efforts Developing Sustainable Spaces), contend that noise and smell won't be a factor.

Like any other Durham resident who watched a council meeting on television in January, I sat slackjawed as Councilman Howard Clement gave one reason the city should proceed cautiously with the hen proposal.

"I don't want my remarks to be construed as opposing" chickens in neighborhoods, Clement said. "I enjoy chicken -- fried chicken, baked chicken, broiled chicken, chicken fricassee."

Despite his appreciation for what he called "the gospel bird," though, Clement cited what he feels is a danger that chickens in the city could cause.

Clement, the coolest Republican politician I know, didn't cite the noise, the smell or the possibility that snakes and rats could be attracted to chicken feed.

His main concern was another type of varmint: chicken thieves.

With tongue planted firmly in cheek -- I think -- Clement noted, "I've been inundated with concerns" from residents over the proposal. Residents tell him, he said, "'Y'all gon' bring chickens into the city? Man, we've got enough problems as it is trying to keep order in our communities.

"What they're talking about is stealing ... In this economic downturn, stealing chickens can be a very lucrative possibility. I just don't want to open up a can of worms ..."

Ramsier, who is also coordinator of the Durham Innercity Gardeners program, took Clements' concerns seriously. I think.

"Mr. Clement, you raised a serious point about the economy ... I see being able to have backyard hens as a way for people to be able to provide for some of their local food needs.

"We think there's a way to keep them in an urban area. The noise, the smell, would not be a nuisance."

Chris Crochetiere, a volunteer with SEEDS, said the city's staff looked into Clements' concern about chicken thievery. "They checked with cities that allow hens and they all said they haven't had a rash of chicken thefts."

Crochetiere added, "Hens are much less noisy than a dog. Roosters crow; hens don't. People believe this myth that roosters only crow in the morning, but they crow all the time."

Hens, on the other hand, "make a little 'cluck, cluck' sound when they lay eggs. There are far fewer complaints with hens than with dogs." (Yeah, but whoever heard of a watch chicken?)

She and Ramsier said there won't be roosters -- male chickens for you city slickers -- permitted under their proposal.

That'll give the hens one less thing to cluck about.

One thing we should all be concerned about, though, is an issue first raised by my former colleague, the late Atlanta Constitution columnist Lewis Grizzard. He wrote once of visiting a boneless chicken farm and noted that there is nothing sadder than seeing boneless chickens flopping around in somebody's backyard.

At least it's unlikely that anyone would try to steal a boneless chicken.