Published: Jul 21, 2012 07:00 PM
Modified: Jul 21, 2012 05:18 PM
Someone recently emailed me for advice:
I’ve been looking at this girl for about three months and finally mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date. I was surprised and terrified when she said yes! I read your columns and thought ‘Here’s a guy who has got some insight on the fairer sex.’ How would you go about impressing her?” Freddie
First of all – you’ve come to the right guy. I happen to be great at giving advice, especially when it comes to the ladies. Stick with me, my stymied stalker, and we’ll get you out of your mom’s basement and into the dating scene.
Now, understand that women are different animals, but, trust me; I have this down to a science.
You have to play your cards just right to snag this lady. This is important. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT! Don’t act too interested. It’s just what she wants you to do. She’ll lure you in with her feminine wiles and you’re doomed. Remain in control. Carry your iPod! Nothing says “Hard to get” more than you putting in ear buds, turning up the music and drowning her out.
Be mysterious. When she asks you about your past, get a faraway look in your eyes and say: “I don’t want to talk about it. We lost a lot of good men back there.”
Women love mystery.
Once she’s on the hook, set it hard! Let’s talk about something very important that’s overlooked by most men. FASHION. Nothing screams “Ladies man” more than a good disco suit. It drools allure.
Let’s face it. ... if you want to say “Love Machine,” you start by saying “Dance Machine.” A groovy pair of white bell bottoms slacks and a black shirt with butterfly collars radiates confidence and sexual savvy. Celebrate your awesome manliness and unbutton that shirt to your naval. Don’t forget the “bling.” A gold medallion the size of a toddlers head will do.
We move on to the scent of a man. They say the sense of smell is the biggest trigger of memory. You want to give the ladies something to remember you by don’t you? Old Spice or Brut Cologne, both never fail. Don’t spritz. Girls spritz. Be a man! Unscrew the top and POUR. You absolutely CANNOT use enough. Buy two bottles and rub it in like soap. Women will swoon in your wake.
Next, reliable transportation. Women like a man who respect their liberated ways. When it comes time for the date – tell her to pick you up. You don’t want to pick her up in your mom’s car do you? Try saying “My car is in Police Impound.” You radiate the all important message “I’m a bad boy.”
Women love bad boys.
So, you’re in her car now. Light up a smoke, don’t bother to ask. Remember, you’re in charge. Chicks dig dudes that are in charge. Show her you’re comfortable around her; take your shoes and socks off, and rub your feet. Nothing says comfortable like a nice massage. Be polite, offer to do hers too. Above all, be respectful. Throw any trash out the window, and keep her car real clean.
Now, before you leave your mom’s basement, decide where you’re going on the date. Sure, you can take her to dinner and a movie, but it’s all been done a thousand times before. Nope! You’re trying to impress her. Remember, she’s special and she deserves nothing but the best. Where you gonna go? Think man, think!
Two words: cock fighting.
After a night of rooster fighting, your woman will be all riled up and ready for some dancing. It’s time for you to show her some ridiculously good moves that you learned playing “Dance Dance Revolution.” Have a few drinks, really slug em down and impress her. Alcohol totally makes you a better dancer. Don’t forget to flirt ... with other ladies. Women secretly love competition.
Finally, when things go your way, and trust me – they will, she’s going to be all over you. She won’t be able to help herself. Remember, she’s a lady and you need to protect her womanly virtues. She will attempt to throw her luscious lady lust upon you but don’t let her advances weaken you as it will only sully her immaculate image of perfect piety and purity. When she gives in to your manly essence, no matter what, BRUSH HER OFF! Remember ... you’re quite the catch, so play hard to get.
My friend, I’ve given you the secrets for success. Use them carefully, for in the right hands, they are woman wooing weapons. As for the rest of you who may need advice and direction ... tell me friend, what’s on your mind?